Minnesota Shoes

I've decided why my shoes do not last very long. I wear them during the winter. I don't wear boots, just shoes. And I walk through puddles of melted sludge. This gets into/onto my shoes and makes them lose their flash. So, this winter, I will wear boots.

Just to let you know.

How do i say what I don't want to say?

I am having some trouble. I don't think I actually want to say what my trouble is though, that is actually part of my trouble. Life has been dramatimes. And as much fun as it is to sit on the sidelines and watch sometimes, it's sadly gotten old.
It's really great when you can say you trust that people like you for who you are. But what if you goto school for a year or two and come back different? Then things change. As have I. And I have an irking suspicion that people haven't adjusted to the change. It's easy to say it's a bad change, when you're on the outside. It's easy to say, but is it true? Can personality changes be good or bad? I think that they are only so good or bad as people see it and accept the change. No matter how tall you've grown, you can still be short in someone's memory and that's what they focus on. Change is not arbitrary, perception is. I know it's easy to keep an image of someone in a freeze frame, and not let that change as the person changes over time. It gets people into trouble with each other, it makes relationships last longer than they should, and it is hard to avoid.

I know I have changed in some ways and not in others over the past four years. The biggest changes have happened probably over the last year. This means that I am not the same person I was last summer. These changes go by me very quickly and suddenly and I don't really even notice. A lot of times I've had talks with someone where I realize a part of me or a way I act has changed. It's a strange thing to discover something about yourself, but I know it is all true and am okay with change. While I do not notice the changes right away, others do. This makes it interesting because I feel like I'm supposed to notice when I change and say "Hey! Look at the new me!" Which I guess is what this is. I've changed, and I'm not going back because I am happier with myself than I can remember being. I probably have flaws and stuff people don't like about me, but who doesn't? Everyone has changed, we all are at the prime of our changing selves, and it makes us all (in my opinion) more interesting.

What is hard to take into account is what the person who has changed is thinking and feeling. We all analyze things in our own way and come to conclusions about things. It is hard to avoid this, but what is important is to not take things as permanent. Thoughts of people should allow for the changes we all go though. A concrete mindset will lead to trouble when people do not fit the mold you cast any longer. When we think of how people act, we recognize traits and they stick, they become that person. It is the reason we can say "Oh he's just being himself" and have it be understandable. When the person acts outside of the idea people have set for them, they are strictly not being themselves. Why is that? I believe that what people do defines them more than anything else. I've seen people change and it might be because I have such a hard time of remembering things from the past that the image of them I have is very recent and it changes as they change. I also don't see it as changes, there isn't a version 1 Martin that changes into version 2 Martin in a day. On that wonderful computer analogy, people's personalities are not always very backwards compatible. It's true that some traits do stick with people over time, but not every part of a person does and it is important to understand that. A current person doesn't think about what they do as to fit a previous state of themselves. That takes a lot of energy and a lot of "faking it." It ends horribly.

This may be out of the blue, but I feel it is important to say at this time. If you want to talk about anything I've said, then talk to me.

I love clouds

I really do.

-martin

Where ever I will be next summer, I will be ready.

I am slowly amassing a supply of musical items. I like that. I just bought two AT2020 microphones, of which I'll spare you the details. They are basically really nice. I keep trolling craigslist more and more waiting for things to pop up and I will buy them. I know it's kinda a wrong way to view it, but I figure if I have all the utensils, making something will be easier. And as backwards as that is, it is working. I have occasionally been able to sit down and make some music, but I don't have enough time to put a lot of work into anything, which is a repercussion of hanging out with people in all my free time.

Make me smile

I dunno if I have anything to say. I'm waiting for colin to call me back so we can have band practice. Probably won't happen at this point, but I'm already at dunns so meh. I think the young people goto dunns while the older folk come later after work. Then the old people scare the youngones away. That's just my theory. I miss working at a cafe, but I wish I had worked at a busier one, mine wasn't as exciting as this one. That's probably why it shut down, it was just too boring. That or the economy. Its a toss up. i
I'm really quite upset with my house's internet. We have no wired internet in my basement and so my desktop has zero internet. Its painful when I need a file. I've tried setting up this wireless expander thing, doesn't work. So now I'm thinking about trying out tethering. (I was going to explain that, but I figure anyone who doesn't know what that is already stopped reading) today I read a story about this guy who was hanging with a friend and his friend needed the internet but his iphone had no service. So the guy used a tethering app on his pre and created a wifi connection through his cell connection. It was a proud pre moment and it got me on the tethering mindset.
Anyways, its 6 so I'm going home and fixing my computer.

-martin

The space in my head

The space in my head is filled to the brim, in a race to see what bursts first.
My brains are expanded into my skull, they push and push and push.
I feel them turning into sludge while I watch, only relieved of pressure when I act.
So I wish it were easier and I didn't have to know, trying to fish on a lake covered in snow.

The space between my nose and my chin, I wish that it felt like a part of my face.
Right now it's only a means to screw the whole world, I just keep dunking my head under the surface.
I wish you could, not only that but would, understand things the way I do.
Like a rhyming couplet or a B sharp fork, I just feel like I'm in tune.

So now I guess I'm sitting here, wishing, on the second floor, running my time away.
It's so hard to watch the hours fall into the sand where they blur to one.
So now I see I'm dancing here, silly, looking at the door, trying to get away.
It's just so damn easy, I guess I'll have to stay.

When I'm hanging around all my friends, I don't notice the faces we make.
I just don't think and I guess that's too much, guilty by the commonwealth.
I am what I am and if that's what you need, then I'll be there when I can.
But I will end up leaving rather sooner than later, I'm sorry but that's who I am.

So now I guess I'm sitting here, wishing, on the second floor, running my time away.
It's so hard to watch the hours fall into the sand where they blur to one.
So now I see I'm dancing here, silly, looking at the door, trying to get away.
It's just so damn easy, I guess I'll have to stay.



---------------------------------------------------
Or something like that.

Gross mood, don't know why, meh.

So I'm in a kinda weird funk. It's most likely that I slept ~4 hours, have eaten very little today, and am slightly bored by work today. Yeah, thinking about it more, that's probably it. Well, okay then, I am in a sleep deprived, hungry, and bored mood.

Now that that's settled there isn't really much point left in this post.