I like being social. I think. Well, being social makes me think. So I feel like it's kind of a conundrum. I want to be social, so I am, but being social reminds me of why I like seclusion. Sitting with people is nice. It really is. But it can remind me of things that I'm trying to ignore or get away from. And so it backfires. I know that's just me seeing the worst in things, but really, if it didn't happen every time, I'd be happier. If every time I see people, I don't think of the things I want or the people I want to see but feel like I can't, I'd love it. I wouldn't actually love it, because that doesn't solve anything, it just distracts. But I like distractions.
I like music. I just do. I like indie nodding my head to things no one else cares about. I like shitty techno, I like a CD that is only beats, I like that guy's messed up voice, and I love that guy's beautiful voice. I wish I could do that. I wish I felt that anything I created now didn't revolve around the subject of love. I wish I could tell a story in a song. Or just make a point that isn't something overused, overdone, and probably overdubbed. I wish I could create and not imitate.
I know that things are changing, I feel it everyday. But where am I/We going? What's the plan? If i knew what I should do, it'd be so much easier. It be so easy, but no fun. I love fun, and I get fun out of everything. Joking around about nonsense, making jokes, laughing for no reason, listening to stories, watching movies, listening to music, thinking about things that other people think about that I don't care about and think are ridiculous.
There is a certain volume for every song. But I find that it is above acceptable. I went into common cup listening to animal collective and Colin said it was like suddenly there was just noise. but in my head it was just wonderful. I wish I could play music with no one caring. I wish I could sing with no one judging. I wish everyone understood music like I do. Not understood, but loved it, appreciated it, and needed it as I do.
That's all for now I guess, just a lot of random thoughts.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
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Dude, Two things.
ReplyDelete1: I know what you mean about feeling like everything you do has been done. It's hard, and it seems pointless a lot of the time. If it's important to you though, that's kinda all that matters.
2: The judgment of your singing is in your head. I see you perform, and think "man, I wish I had the balls/skill set to do that". I suppose we are always our harshest critics
This was a beautiful post Martin. Read the poem I posted last night, it's kind of about that.
ReplyDeleteYou also described exactly how I felt last night. There was someone I wanted to be with, but couldn't, so I was trying to be social with other people, but mostly I just sat in silence, which as you know is very unusual for me.
Could we hang out and have a real conversation sometime? I know it's easier to blog about than talk about, but I think that would be kind of cool. We both carry our hands real close to our chests.
ReplyDeleteUnrelated, but you don't seem to be answering your phone. Like, I have tonight free; would you want to do a dungeon on WoW. I think a run through VanCleef's Deadmines would be fun and would ready you for those Wetlands quests that are still beyond you. Give me a call. ^-^
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