Moving your mouth to pull out all your miracles, for me.

Motivation is something I am currently lacking in, maybe not motivation but whatever that "thing" is that I am missing, I'm missing it. There is a Panda Bear song that has the lyrics "take one day at a time, anything else you can leave behind. Only one thing at a time, everything else really hurts your mind." And that is what I feel like right now, I need to start small and focus on one thing at a time. And yesterday, when I was feeling that I couldn't even do one thing at a time, I panicked. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes and I just don't know what to do.
"It's kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. And it gets to a point where none of it seems real. Well, sometimes I can do that, but I don't need an hour in front of a mirror. It happens very fast, and things start to slip away. And I just open my eyes, and I see nothing. And then I start to breathe really hard trying to see something, but I can't. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, it scares me."
That's a quote from the perks of being a wallflower. I know it may not be everyone's favorite book in the world. But it's mine, and not because I'm reading it right now, but because of the connection I have with it. If you were me and you read it, it'd make sense. Yesterday was a day like in the quote, I just saw nothing. The thing is, the day was like that and then I read that passage and it all clicked and fell apart in one fell swoosh. The weight of the day and everything fell at once and I freaked out. Of course it was during Nick Champeau's guitar recital so I couldn't say anything and had to sit there and freak out on my own, but for some reason, his guitar playing was the perfect thing to panic to. I couldn't have imagined any better music or situation to panic to.
But the book has been doing this too me since I started it last week. It hits me in the heart like a train and just forces emotion out of me. A year or two ago, about the time I read it, the emotions were there, but they didn't come out. And now, it's not that I'm holding them in or forcing them or anything, they just flow so easily. I knew I loved the book when I first read it, but I don't think I knew why I did. And now I do and it is messing with me a lot. I feel like I should be used to this, things working out perfectly and all, but I have to admit I'm still surprised. This book couldn't have gotten back to me at a better time. And I couldn't have appreciated it as much at any other point in my life than I do right now. Maybe next time I read it it will connect differently, but right now, right at this point, this is what I need. And I feel like I'm lucky to have the people, the music, and the books that I need right now.